Just Jaime

Every now and then I like to peruse the craigslist personal ads to find the dumbest men, which is mostly who uses the craigslist personal ads. Once I find a particularly horrible one, I like to post a response to it, letting them know how awful it was. Here is my latest achievement:

Imaginary Girlfriend - 25

Hey there fella who posted the Imaginary Girlfriend ad, just wanted to give you some feedback on your technique on finding dates. I have taken the liberty of adding some “constructive criticism” to your ad, in hopes of helping you, of course. Let’s begin.


“We all know imaginary girlfriends are the best relationships and prostitutes or NSA sex offers the best release.”
If that’s the case, then perhaps you should seek an actual prostitute, or perhaps stop having sex with marionettes. I suppose you find the best release when a thinking, feeling and breathing woman isn’t underneath you. There’s a website for that, realdoll.com.

“I am looking for something in between. Applicants should be fit and attractive, age is not an issue.”
Fit and attractive, because clearly you get up at 5am and run 8 miles, then make it back home in time to juice beets and kale, and then ride your bike 22 miles to work. No you don’t. You hit snooze nine times, get up and jerk off in the shower, and put on your wrinkled clothing after dousing yourself with Axe body spray.

“Your expectations of me should be low, because that is all I am willing to deliver on.”
Don’t worry, friend. If our expectations weren’t low already, they will be by the end of this ad! I can see your adult acne and smelly penis so clearly in my mind. And the mountain of empty mountain dew cans.

“Your crazy index is irrelevant to me as I only want to see you intermittently.”
Their crazy index actually should matter to you, pal. It’s looking like a good case of schizophrenia might be what you should look for. That, or narcolepsy - that would be a win-win! You could fuck a lifeless body and she wouldn’t have to notice an ugly man pumping and grunting away on top of her for 30 seconds and then slapping her hand away when she tries to wake up your penis for … shock… a chance to get off, herself. Intermittently is a big word for you, did you attend Yale? No? You don’t say.

“We can go out every so often, engage in intercourse as you see fit, and talk as frequently as I see fit.”
Well, mon frere, if this is your M.O., I can see why you’ve posted this ad. Taking a girl to the gas station to buy quarts of Olde English and beef jerky and then taking her back to your place for her to jerky your beef … and I suppose english your olde …. How do you keep the girls away? With a stick? And is the “talk as frequently as I see fit” thing because girls go wild with lust over your penis and forever stalk you, or is it because you have serious issues concerning sex for reasons probably even unknown to yourself that keep you from wanting to form a real connection with another human being and to see them as something other than a living fuck doll for your personal convenience? Might I suggest again, realdoll.com. Or an extensive round of therapy. Or a bit of rope or a handgun.

Again, friend, this is just for your own good. Next time you post a personal ad, try and make it a little more appealing. You’ve almost got it (not a chance in hell) and you’ll meet the woman of your dreams one day (and she will stick her head in the oven.) Good luck!

ps. You might be gay. You should look into it.